you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
