i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
