I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
