Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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