i need an iv and a liver transplant
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my shit smells like andre
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
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He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
There r osticjed everywhere
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
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Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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