I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
