I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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