She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Randomize
