Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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