Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
