i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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