hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
