dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i dont even know how to be here
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
