There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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