even my farts smell like vagina
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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