Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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