still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
