You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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