2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
