I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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