Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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