The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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