Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just had sex bonerless
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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