So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You can't just leave with hair like that
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
