ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
