she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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