I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
