i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
