is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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