i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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