She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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