i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
