So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
