And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
