Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
