I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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