The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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