Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
