Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
