I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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