Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You can't just leave with hair like that
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
