Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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