And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
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The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
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My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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