dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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