I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I have aggressive nipples.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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