so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
