Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
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You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
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The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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