Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
