while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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