did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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