What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
