Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
