out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
