I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
