I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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