I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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