Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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