oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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