sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
