I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
