Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
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Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
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Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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