you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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