I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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